Trust, Betrayal and Healing

Have you noticed how we in the spiritual community are often faced with healing from trust issues or betrayal? A friend of mine tells a story of his early days on his path. He began his spiritual journey in the hopes that it would make his life easier. In reality, he says, walking the spiritual path may not make life easier, since one is more committed to taking responsibility. In the physical sense, it's sometimes a challenge to apply spiritual principles. But the richness of existence, he sighs, makes it all worth while. I feel that you'll also agree.

My journey to this article began when I was working as an Adult Educator and Counselor in a big company in the mid- 90's. I was subtly teaching spiritual principles within the context of courses like Personal Empowerment, Leadership for the Future and How to Coach Effectively. Yet, in this company and others, I witnessed betrayal, workplace violence and cover-ups of the truth. Once an executive demanded the names and responses on a confidential survey, and threatened the continuation of my job when I did not comply. Talk about your betrayals! In my book Authenticating: Your Simple Path to Abundance, I describe more what I experienced, but for the purposes of this article, that's a quick summary.

We are spiritual beings in a physical world. How do we heal after betrayal and broken trust?

What is Trust, Betrayal & Healing?

In living as spiritual beings on a physical plane, we all experience times where we have felt our trust was broken or that we'd been betrayed. It can take days, months, years and lifetime to free yourself of the emotional and spiritual pain of these events and the powerful emotions attached to them. Some people are never able to exorcise the trust and betrayal issues.

Do you have an experience haunting you? Let's look at what happened, what you can choose to do and how to heal yourself. First, let's start with a discussion of trust.

What does trust mean to you? People have many responses. Here are some that I have heard:

"Knowing the person is good for their word."

"Comfort and security that someone will follow-through."

"Being predictable or consistent."

"Integrity in action and words."

Our experience of the world is mostly made-up of our definition or perceptions. These definitions become our views or perceptions of how things "should" be. There's a story of the woman that gets on a crowded elevator. Halfway up to the floor she's destined for; a mother and two children join the crowded compartment. The kids are rowdy and loud. The observing woman is irritated. Steaming silently, she wonders why the irresponsible mother doesn't contain them. And before she can say a word, the mother apologizes for the children's behavior. "Their father just died" she expresses. The irritated woman, once fuming, is filled with empathy at their gigantic loss. How much would that expression and the reality of it shift your view of the "should " in the situation?

As you can see, our perceptions change in different times, environments and experiences, as well as new information. With old friends you experience the world much differently than with new work associates.

So, when you consider trust and how you may define it, realize that you and others operate from an invisible "sliding scale" of possible expectations regarding what trust looks, feels, tastes and smells like. I have noticed people react in different ways and in combinations. Here are the observations:

We experience different degrees of expectations around trust. In combinations, they start to make-up our general reactions or STYLE regarding trust in relationships.

THREE TRUST EXPECTATION STYLES

From Practical to Idealistic Style

A practical style may think a person can be trusted up to the point where self-preservation comes into play. "People can be trusted only if it's in their self interest."

An idealistic style may feel no matter what, you must maintain a trust. "A promise must never be broken."

Are you mostly Practical or Idealistic? Are you somewhere in between?

From Absolute to Conceptual Style

An absolute style can think, "why should I trust you." "Guilty until proven innocent."

A conceptual style may consider why not trust you? "Innocent until proven guilty."

Are you mostly Absolute or Conceptual? Are you somewhere in between?

From Same to Different Style

The Same style sees everyone sharing the same perception of what trust is. "Since we all share the same definition of trust, you should know better."

The Different style sees everyone having different perceptions of what trust is. "Since we al have different views of trust, I don't know what to expect from you."

Are you mostly Same or Different? Are you somewhere in between?

Sophisticated to Compartment Style

A sophisticated style may believe trust crosses all levels of life: a type of promise at work applies equally to home. "Trust means the same thing at work or home."

A compartment style may believe that a trust applies only to the immediate issue. "Trust is different in each compartments of life…trust at work and home are different."

Are you mostly sophisticated or Compartment? Or are you somewhere in between?

Using these STYLE definitions, answer the following questions:

Considering each of the six combinations, which combination do you most frequently lean towards in life?

Consider your best friend. What is their dominant combination?

Consider the person who you feel betrayed by. What is their dominant combination?

The value of applying your awareness comes as you see yourself and others in new ways. You will begin to see as you use those combinations, that many trust issues begin with different ways of perceiving and defining trust. For example, you be frustrated with carrying too much work. You may feel others broke a trust to share the load by not helping you. By reviewing these combinations, you realize you can be an Idealist. You feel you must make sure a promise is kept, no matter what. And you achieve this by never delegating, but rather doing all the work. After all, you trust that you will do it right.

Or perhaps you lock horns with the same person. Using these combinations, you realize they believe the world is the same in everyone's eyes. You on the other hand, see the world as a rich melting pot of views. To what degree would you be able to better work out trust issues now?

What we have begun to do is demonstrate how you can now observe the relationships you are experiencing from a different vantagepoints. As you use these you will begin to acknowledge what happens in the context of these combination s and views.

Betrayal

Betrayal is a broken trust. It can be big or tiny; it can be malicious or innocent. Betrayal happens to us all as part of the human experience.

The interesting thing about betrayal it's is hidden in the most tiny aspects. A friend of mine was writing a manuscript. It was a long project, full of ups and downs. When he began the project, he introduced it to a friend. The friend was very enthusiastic about it and offered to help out. As time went on, the manuscript grew into a book. The critical time came for the book to be edited and reviewed. He asked the enthusiastic friend for help on the process. The only glitch was that the friend had undergone a major life change. Understanding this, my friend talked it over and re-negotiated the time frames and other details. The timeframes came and went. A month passed, when my friend called to check in. The enthusiastic friend apologized and asked for more time. The time came and went again. Another follow-up phone call. The manuscript was returned. No reading or editing was done. Now, is anyone to blame here? Things happen, life changes one could say. Our characters tried to work things out. It just didn't seem to work out. But the reality is that this minor and hopefully unintentional betrayal seriously hurt the writer's feelings. When the enthusiastic friend moved away, their friendship changed, and the hurt stayed behind.

If you look over your life, you will see that the little unkindness', the tiny and sometime unintentional, are the source of the greatest hurts.

What was the most hurtful betrayal event of your life?

Heal thyself

In working this through with my friend, I found myself considering how to best approach it. Since all healing begins with awareness that seemed to be a good start. Talk to a trusted friend or advisor. Write in details and feelings in your journal. Get your "stuff" out of your system.

What person place or things comes up for you here?

A natural outflow from this is saying yes this happened. In your purging you begin to acknowledge aspects of you expectation s around trust and betrayals. You see the differences in your views and a new dialogue begins. Perhaps you will see the similarities cause friction between you and someone else. You will map out your own "diagnosis."

What comes up for you here?

After awhile, you will be inclined to reach out for help. Support may come from many sources: a friend, an advisor, and a counselor, a cat or dog or horse, a brother or sister. Who ever feel safe for revealing this event. Sometimes support is a good hobby, relaxation and time away, a soothing musical piece or a roller blading outing.

What would feel right for you?

When you feel a bit more familiar with this whole event, when you have grasped what occurred, it's time to create a new outlook. Let me share with you the dos and don'ts

Don't

Pretend it didn't happen
Shove it in the recesses of your soul
Laugh it off with sarcasm
Take action or words in revenge
Put it on someone else
Embellish or minimize it

Do's

Be an observer
Acknowledge it occurred
State how you felt
State what you'd love to do or say
Appreciate your newfound awareness
Be gentle with yourself and others
Look for the lesson or learning

J.R. (name withheld) started a promising new job with a large organization. She worked closely with another person whom she frequently had lunch with. Prompted by the more tenured associate's inquiries, J.R. shared her thoughts and frustrations. She thought that an "apprenticeship" was developing. A few months into the job, J.R. realized that this person was sharing confidences with their superiors. In gaining an advantage the betrayer positioned himself at her expense just prior to a secret layoff. She felt she was "framed" and did lose the job in the layoff.

What J.R. began to do after working through the shock, was see the situation in a positive light. It was a blessing J.R. decided. Who would want to work in an environment where executives use betrayal?
Now J.R. is happily working on a new assignment in an open environment.

How was your experience of betrayal a blessing in disguise?

The other interesting point about the J.R. story is that she was willing to take responsibility. She owned up to the idea that maybe she trusted the stranger a little too some and perhaps too much. She forgave herself for her past decision. But she did not blame herself for his choices. She let him stay "on the hook" until he was ready to be accountable for his part. She took a balanced approach, holding herself accountable for only what was in her control: her choices.
Furthermore, she went right out and got back in the job market. J.R. was determined to take care of herself and be positive. She moved on and up. They say that living well is the best revenge.

The process of healing, based on this true story is:

1- Become aware of your experience of the betrayal
2- Recognize and acknowledge what occurred
3- Find or create a support network
4- Look for the silver lining or lesson
5- Take responsibility for your choice, then and now
6- Forgive yourself and others
7- Release it and move onward and upward

Aspects of a Living Trust

If life is all a dance of energy flows, trust is no exception. Trust, as a living entity, has it's own movement, rhythm and life.

Think of a person you know who you can trust to do one thing but not another? I knew a woman who was always late but always arrive. I know a man if he arrives, is always exactly on time. Who do you know who can't keep a secret yet is a respected communicator? How about the person who can get the job done, but you wonder what shady deals they create to complete it?

These are all real life examples of the living aspect of the energy around trust. We look for trust in three different areas:

Messenger Trust: I can trust that you will pass along information or a message as intended.

Professional Trust: I can trust that you will get a job or something done right.

Integrity Trust: I can trust that what I see is what I get with you.

These three energy aspects are in play as we go through our days. And like a good dance, there is a give and take of energy as well as a gradually stockpiling or with drawl in each of these areas. We talk to our partners about the dance we are to do. We learn the steps, anticipate each other's moves and pace. Mostly, we practice and practice. Some partners step on our feet but are always willing to try new things. Other partners are smooth steppers but late comers. And we negotiate the dance.

In your life, what are your own strengths and weaknesses in each aspect Messenger, Professional and Integrity?

What area would you like to improve on?

What about the person who you feel betrayed you…what are their strengths and weakness in each area?

How would you apply this in the future?

Everyone is looking for a fix. some want a quick fix. But transformation is a gradual learning process. While I can share with you the aspect of transformation the application is always up to you.

Trust that transforms and heals is built on four corner stones. The determination to create a new and better life. It takes an "iron-but" to sit and read and journal and talk and work out some of these exercises. Quick fix it certainly is not! Yet, conviction is useless without guts. The sheer courage it takes to look at a betrayal experience. You walk through it once again. With new "eyes" as the observer. It may not be pretty, but it's a process. Compassion is essential if you are to survive and move on. Being gentle with yourself and others is vital in the healing process. And finally, all this work comes back to the fact that you are part of a life-system and a community. This system is waiting for you and applauding as you do your part to create a better and better world.

Energy, Betrayal and Trust

There's a powerful demonstration I often use in my classes around trust, betrayal and energy. Have one person stand in the front of the room and raise their arm perpendicular to the floor. In this T-formation, ask a member of the audience to gently press down the raised arm. While the demonstratee resists with all their might observe the how much the arm cannot be moved.

Now, have the whole audience pick on or criticize the person's shoes or clothes. They idea is to convey "bad" "ugly" and other negative energies. Have the demonstrator press on the arm again. An amazing thing happens, the arm cannot resist the downward pressure. It drops faster and further. The energy the life force has been sapped by this session.

Now, reverse the energy trend by telling the person how much appreciate they are, wonderful etc. Now observe how difficult it is again to challenge the arm by pressing it down.

The point is that trust is an aspect of our energy flow. Whether intentionally or intentionally, major or minor issue, we all participate in this energy flow.

If this is to be a world of high vibration and energy, take responsibility to consciously apply what you have learned here. Peace & Prosperity!

This is a excerpt from the new publication, "Authenticating: Your Simple Path to Abundance." Copyright 1999. All rights reserved. The author gratefully acknowledges the influence of Dennis and Michelle Reina, Trust & Betrayal in the Workplace..

Susan Joy Grieco is an author, spiritual counselor and educator serving the New Jersey and Tri-State community. Her new book Authenticating: Your Simple Path to Abundance publishes in October 1999. To reserve your copy or for more information on counseling and workshops contact Authenticating Publishers & Workshops at website www.authenticatings.com or (908) 234-9528.